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[08 Jul 2010|07:09pm] |
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wow. funny where choices take you.
if i hadn't gone out last night
i wouldn't have ended up feeling used and like total shit tonight.
i met a guy, like properly met this guy dale. like i'd met him before like quick introductions. and he is gorgeous. he's a lad but so what. he's in HR but so what. i was instantly attracted, okay, i can't help it.
we ended up fucking on tony's lounge room floor.
and now i'm doing that chick thing where you obsess and get attached after one night stands. and i can't stop myself from doing it. i just want to be with him right now. i just want to feel his body against mine again. fuck.
god. like honest truth, i want him so badly.
you're a slut, anna katherine cuthill.
fucking utslay.
but it's okay, i still love you.
xx.
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[07 Jul 2010|08:00pm] |
i'm feeling kinda miserable.
correction, really miserable.
too miserable to type much.
i like a guy.
a fair amount.
and he's completely too destructive for me.
maybe he wouldn't have been so if i'd said yes when he asked me out a long time ago.
but now if i were to offer myself it would be useless. and only add to my misery. he's a player and he'd just use the fuck outta me. plus he's already a dick to me. all we do is yell at each other. i want to get to know him but he's so closed. and he doesn't show any interest in getting to know me anymore. i played too hard to get cause i was afraid of him a little. and then hard-to-get turned into mission impossible so he stopped trying. i even made up a fake boyfriend to stop him trying to get into my pants. it was a stupid tactic. but it proved to me he doesn't have any feelings for me. which sucks cause i really wished he did.
then the back-up guy i sorta liked changed my opinion of him. not that he would use me, just that he was.. really.. uncool. and i don't mean that in a shallow way. just that.. he's just really not my type of person. and i'm very VERY unattracted to him now. like so unbelievably so. and i feel really bad because i know it's cause of my mates. my mates met him when he was drunk and they wanted to bash him and thought he was a complete loser and since then my opinion of him has changed completely. and i feel terrible to be so influenced by my friends. but i can't help it. i stopped him from getting his ass kicked but.
so i guess i can feel alright about that..
still i really like the player guy. like really really. i like him so much and he has absolutely no respect for me.
hey harry potter's on tv. lol. i just heard it from the next room.
anyway, yeah. how did my life get so revolved around guys and sex. i hate it. i hardly ever get turned on anymore. i'm just sad all the time. and i hardly ever go out anymore. and i get anxiety problems way stronger than before. it's terrible. i never feel good about myself. and i know it's because i'm terrified of what other people might think or say about me and i have reason for it. every day practically people tell me things that other people have said about me behind my back. and it hurts heaps. i haven't really got any close RELIABLE friends anymore. i mean daisy is still gone for like 55 days. and i just keep blaming every lonely day on her being gone. but it's not like she's my only friend so i don't know what it is. i just miss my old life. before it got all dependant on reputation and being one of those girls.
i'm so tired of this lifestyle. the drugs, the all-nighters, dressing glamorous; having to flirt with every guy i meet so that they'll remember my face the next time i see them. this world has changed so much. people aren't genuine anymore, and people don't actually want to get to know you at all. it makes me so sad. and i don't want to go out tonight but i have to. i got to uphold my reputation and get drunk in the city because i can't afford the pills. i have so many debts. and it really started to catch up to me last night. i went to see a movie with alice & a few other girls. something laidback which i hadn't done in ages and i got 26 missed calls from dealers, yelling at me about money i owed. and if i didn't pay up i would have people at my door, or i would be getting knifed.. i just can't keep doing this shit. i can't. but i can't just lock myself up in the house either or i feel like killing myself. not to mention i hate the calls as soon as it gets dark demanding to know where i am and why i'm not out partying or whatever. it's too much pressure to just keep doing this all the time. i just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. i just want a nice guy that will actually take care of me and take things slow. i actually want to be in LOVE. but i can't just force myself.
my god this is turning into a long entry.
it's just too much for me these days.
i miss the quiet. i miss being able to just spend a friday night at our old primary school eating pizza and having a couple of drinks and just hanging out and talking and laughing and playing hide & seek. it wasn't so long ago. only last year. but it was fun and simple and one of those things which didn't burn a lot of money but was all the more worth it. now it's only drinking to get drunk. and even then i haven't spent a night just drinking in a long time. it always has to involve drugs too. i can't stand it anymore. i don't want to go out tonight. but that means i have to call tony. and make up some bullshit excuse for staying home on a saturday night.
what to do. what to do.
"miles & miles of yellow tape."
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[28 Apr 2010|09:40pm] |
"so in love i wished that i was dead"
i feel like watching empire records.
i love zat movietron.
i got it for my birthday in fact -- no more shitty burnt copy for me!
but it requires a special occasion. in other words, making an empire virgin watch it with me like matt or jack. hmm.
and you kissed me like you meant it you knew i couldn't say no.
sigh.
and all i wanna say,
is that i really miss you.
yay i just watched empire records. love&respect.
until i hear it from you.. hear it from you.
*PUNCH* oww what was that for.
...music makes you lose control.
haha good ol' grossco.
i want to be a professional commercial photographer; selling street art photography at markets on weekends. living in an apartment above george st, sipping cappuccinos in the mornings in poofy armchairs at cafes watching people walk on with their lives at their different stages//i want to get out of this place.
lala.
rooftops derelict with a bag of doughnuts and dirty cigarettes, a teenage lover and hours to spare..
i miss matt even though he's still around.
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[26 Apr 2010|09:56am] |
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Let me be now, ohhh, let me be.
Life is a fickle friend.
Anna's past three days:
- got kicked off school grounds by the deputy (apparently i'm still suspended).
- punched cones and saw teenage mutant ninja turtles ("IT'S SOO 3DDDDDDD MAAAAAN" -- troy).
- trying to quit smoking cigarettes. the nicobate lozenges burn your throat, make you cough til you throw up, cause insomnia, depression and migraines. it's fun, really.
- did jim's food tech assignment for $28.60. hasn't paid me yet but i trust he will.
- had a breakdown/screaming match with my sister at eastwood station cause she wouldn't give me a couple of extra bucks to get a pack of smokes.
- said goodbye to my dear friend, davis, who's gone to queensland for the next month. when he comes back he'll be 18, have his own car and hopefully for him his own place cause he's got noone to stay with.
- yelled at daisy about being friends with nick daniell (and for fucking him).
- dragged matt into the janitor's closet when he was off-guard. yeah, i still want him badly.
- am going to see battle of the bands tonight because dan is playing in two bands, marcus is in two bands, keiron's band is playing, ariel's band is playing and pike & olli's band is playing. hopefully i'm allowed out.
..it's ellen's birthday today. hmm.
and i'm meant to go job-hunting today, yesterday and the day before.
i need a shower.
and some new clothes.
i need money.
and my own apartment.
and a car.
AND SPEAKERS THAT WORK. i feel so musically deprived.
hmm. my headphones are working now.. little better.
prefer speaktrom.
ps. i love mickey avalon.
fo' life.
"He struggled during many long lonely desperate nights under the dizzying city lights but made a vow that he would never forget the magic in this world the things he loved the most: his first fix, his first girl and most importantly the first time he rocked a mic."
WIGGA WAAH? ahh shiee.
suspension is growing old.
my toenails are so cold.
PAJAMNNN.
pps. twix is sexy. && i like what he does oh so.
ppps. oh and alison moved back to america. so she can't steal any more of my boyfriends.
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[23 Apr 2010|02:43pm] |
you could have it all... my empire of dirt.
i will let you down. i will make you hurt.
if i could start again, a million miles from away?
i would teach myself, i would find a way.
and you give yourself away.
and you give yourself away.
and you give.
with or without you,,.
i think you need to DIE COMMANDER KEEN.
GODDAMNYOU AND YOUR IMPOSSIBLE NESS.
ARGH.
BITCH SLUT.
that reminds me, it's not so bad. it's not so bad.
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[12 Apr 2010|09:33pm] |
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i forgot completely about that last post.
i've never been more accurate before in my life.
it's over between me and matt.
he was cheating on me with alison who's supposed to be my best friend, well one of them.
he hates me completely like it's my fault.
i can't stop crying,
i miss him so much.
he was a complete liar.
i doubt he ever cared for me at all.
he already has a new girlfriend
i've gotten with twix and ben ferris in the last three days since we broke up and both times have made me hate myself even more.
i feel weak and fragile and unworthy.
abo is right about me. i'm a worthless slut.
this is a really depressingly emo post. but it's also an outlet.
i haven't felt more tired and sad in a long, long time.
i'm crushed. that explains it pretty much.
crushed and cynical.
with terrible trust issues that will probably stay with me for a long time.
i figured at least matt wouldn't mind me hanging out with him and his mates after what HE did. sorta as a consolation, offer the branch of peace. but no he told me rather clearly not to come out with them ever.
i hate this.
do i deserve this? i guess so.
it hurts so bad.
i thought he was so genuine. and sincere. and romantic.
i was wrapped up in him.
whipped. i guess.
i trusted him completely. i let myself ignore everyone pointing out the warning signs. and now it feels like i'm moving in slow motion.
i'm not saying i was in love with him. but who knows, maybe i was getting there. i don't even think i would've broken up with him if he hadn't told me he didn't like me anymore. if i hadn't realised he'd grown tired of me. that he wanted out.
i can point out now that he's spineless, a coward. that i should hate him for this. that he's not worth me getting upset about, that i shouldn't even waste my time at all thinking about him. but what use is that.
he's all
i can
think
about.
i just wish me and him had never happened. but i loved me and him together. he was so everything i thought i needed. shy and gentle and he didn't seem at all fake. and if i can't trust someone like him, who seemed so completely trustworthy then he can i trust?
no one.
but i don't want to be alone.
i don't want to be wary of everyone that comes near me.
isaac was looking at me the other night with lust in his eye and i was terrified. complete distress. i wanted to run as fast as i could. i hated his touch. like it was burning me. i don't want to be afraid of people.
life without love is not a life.
i guess i'll be fine in a little while. but this just feels like the straw that broke the camel's back, yknow? like nick being such an arsehole to me after we broke up and then showing up to daisy's farewell party when he had no right to be there. fucking daisy that night knowing she was my best friend and that he didn't even have the right to still talk to her..
pat and all the shit he's given me over the years.
jeremy posting the naked photos of me on myspace and msn just because he could.
adrian. my first time. and i don't even know his last name or have his number.
i just feel broken. and it hurts so much.
i'm not going to do anything stupid.
i don't want to die.
i'm just lonely and sad.
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[12 Mar 2010|08:14pm] |
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mood |
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scattttered. |
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music |
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around the world -- daft punk |
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he's already breaking my heart.
sigh.
what a shame,
i really had hope for this one.
i don't even know why.
maybe cause he looks shy.
or maybe cause he's not too big and strong.
maybe cause he thinks differently.
and maybe cause he's gentle.
or maybe it's just he can give the best damn head i have ever been through.
this is depressing.
i'm going to wollongong,
to see brad.
i hope he is as sexy as i can remember.
cause damn, he would be fine.
i was stuck in a black-out for all of last night,
and i was sitting out on the street curb having a cigarette
and i could see a million more stars. and all my neighbours were running round the street with candles that flickered with their footsteps and it was a really good moment. and i called up pat and i made him laugh which made me smile for awhile. i'll always keep a place in my heart for him i suppose.. and i know it's not completely over just yet. i don't think it ever will be. it just keeps going round and round til we're both mature enough to just get it over with and jump in the deep end.
but i really do like matt.
he just hurts me bit by bit.
and i know it's going to escalate and get really bad and become a big scandal that my grade will find out about and badger me about til i feel like crawling into a massive hole and never coming out.
fuck. i have a science assessment to do.
wow i'm actually getting back into livejournal, this is kinda crazy.
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[04 Mar 2009|04:12pm] |
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mood |
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scat |
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music |
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liquify - - the servant |
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long time, no pimpage.
myspace is the way of the future..
well i guess you could dutifully say i'm a little screwball nowadays.
but hey, i'm still on top of.. some shit. and i'm careful.
even if i am a junkie. muaha. aha.
shall we liquify? oh you and ii?
i no longer ♥ mistrr nick daniell.
he turned out to be a
pricktease.
but i do ♥ mistrr mattgross. shh.
indeed i do have a new boyfriend, thankyou for asking.
i jumped in a bush at 3 this morning,
and bruised my tit badly. it hurts.
i have many war wounds, yay!
new confessions
1. i drink too much.
2. all the world gets high when you take a pill.
3. alice in wonderland gives me nightmares.
4. i'm afraid of harlequins.
5. i've been dating matt for a week and i've slept in his bed five times.
6. i flashed half my grade last night and i can't remember why.
7. my mummy tried to strangle me last thursday.
8. my best friend ran away with the leprechauns (to ireland).
9. my rents are leaving for threee weeks and my house will be thrashed with open house partiees.
10. i've been on half a gram of gas, pink mercs, reddos, mary-jane and a bottle of straight vodka in one night of spunfunnn.
11. i need to see the moon every night or i will cry.
12. i wear a gold cross around my neck for hope not faith.
13. i love to be a kandiraaavrr;; dancin in the sky.
14. i almost did cocaine last night but i snorted xtc instead.
15. livejournal is only good for making confessions.
\\
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[19 Oct 2008|10:35am] |
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high |
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music |
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What You Are -- Drill |
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hokay. so i am anna.
i"m a different kind of girl.
i pretend direct questions are rhetorical.
i break a lot of promises.
i"m a smoker,, and i don"t care if it bothers you.
i believe a picture"s worth a thousand words.
i seem to attract love-hate relationships.
sometimes i just don"t like you.
and i say things that i don"t mean.
there are many, many things that i just can"t do.
but i"ll try my best for you.
sometimes i will miss you.
and sometimes i will tune you out completely.
but i will always smile at you if you smile at me.
♥
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[26 Jan 2007|10:40pm] |
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mood |
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artistic |
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music |
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Venice Queen -- RHCP |
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I wish I was Jennifer Bruce. Or something like it.
"She was walking like some kind of a princess, in slow motion, with her hands out to the sides. And she had this absolutely, bizarre magnetism, walking around and talking purposefully, but slowly, like she was Alice in Wonderland and the rest of the world wasn't."
Where you come from? Where you goin'? -- Venice Queen
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| 2006 |
[19 Dec 2006|08:36pm] |
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mood |
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thoughtful |
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music |
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london bombs. |
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Another year has come and gone. Even faster. I can't believe how much has changed me this year and how different I've become. In the end I guess, more relaxed and secure with myself. I'm surprised I made it through this year so well. And still with a smile right across my face. I'm lucky and I know it, believe me.
I guess it's that time again to set my new resolutions and try to vaguely remember the ones I planned out for myself this time last year. So what have I done this year?
1. Got hooked on nicotine.
2. Lost my virginity.
3. Went to a formal.
4. Changed schools.
5. Tried to come on to Cappello when I was trashed.
6. Broke a heart on Valentine's Day.
7. Fell in love with high heels.
8. Got my first job.
9. Quit my first job lol.
Plus a million other things..
I just can't get over how much I've grown this year. And how much more mature I'm going to become. Another beautiful summer ahead of me. I have a great guy by me that cares a lot about me. I have my best friends ++ Daisy, Pat, Zac, Alice ++ and I have the sun in my eyes. What more could I ask for?
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| EMO KID by ADAM & ANDREW |
[28 Jan 2006|09:59pm] |
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music |
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Emo Kid -- Adam & Andrew |
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Dear Diary,
Mood: Apathetic.
My life is spiralling downward.
I couldn't get enough money to go to the Blood Red Romance and Suffocate Me Dry concert.
It sucks because they play some of my favourite songs like
"Stab Me Through The Heart Cause I Love You,"
And "Rip Apart My Soul,"
And of course "Stabby Mc Stab Stab".
And it doesn't help that I can't get my hair to do that flippy thing either like that guy from that band can do.
Some days..
I'm an emo kid, non-conforming as can be,
You'd be non-conforming too if you looked just like me.
I have paint on my nails, and make-up on my face,
I'm almost emo enough to start shaving my legs.
Cause I feel real deep when I'm dressing in drag,
I call it freedom of expression, most just call me a fag.
Their dudes look like chicks, and their chicks look like dykes,
Cause emo is one step below transvestite.
Stop my breathing and slit my throat,
I must be emo.
I don't jump around when I go to shows,
I must be emo.
I'm dark and sensitive with low self esteem,
The way I dress makes everyday feel like Halloween.
I have no real problems but I like to make believe,
I stole my sister's mascara and now I'm grounded for a week.
Sulking and writing poetry are my hobbies,
I can't get through a Hawthorne Heights album without sobbing.
Girls keep breaking up with me,
It's never any fun.
They say "They already have a pussy,
They don't need another one."
Stop my breathing and slit my throat,
I must be emo.
I don't jump around when I go to shows,
I must be emo.
Dying my hair and polish on my toes,
I must be emo.
I play guitar and write suicide notes,
I must be emo.
My life is just a black abyss, ya know?
It's so dark and it's suffocating me.
Grabbing a hold of me and tightening its grip.
Tighter than a pair of my little sister's jeans,
Which look great on me by the way.
When I get depressed I cut my wrists in every direction,
Hearing songs about getting dumped give me an erection.
I write in a livejournal and wear thick-rimmed glasses,
I told my friends I bleed black and cry during classes.
I'm just a bad, cheap imitation of goth,
You............and watch me jack off.
I wear skin-tight clothes while hating my life,
If I said I liked girls I'd only be half right.
I look like I'm dead and dress like a homo,
I must be emo.
Screw Xbox, I play old school Nintendo.
I must be emo.
I like to whine and hate my parentals,
I must be emo.
Me and my friends all look like clones,
I must be emo.
My parents don't get me, ya know?
They think I'm gay just because they saw me kissing a guy.
Well, a couple of guys.
But I mean, it's the 2000's,
Can't two.. Or four dudes make out with each other without being gay?
I mean chicks dig that kinda thing anyways,
I don't know diary sometimes I think you're the only one that gets me.
You're my best friend.
..I feel like tacos.
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[08 Dec 2005|06:52pm] |
R.I.P. John Lennon.
May your mark upon the world outlast many more generations to come.
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[18 Nov 2005|08:13pm] |
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music |
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Sunspots -- N.I.N. |
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So this is what I deserve, I guess. Fucking karma.
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[17 Oct 2005|06:58pm] |
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GUYS, THE LAYOUT IS IN LIMBO. I'M FIXING IT UP HOW I LIKE IT AS WE SPEAK. BEAR WITH ME. woooOOOoo black betty bamamahlam..
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[09 Aug 2005|12:25am] |
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I'm in DT. So bored. If anyone is on a computer please entertain me.
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